What I've learned in my old age.

As I get older, I have really been trying to pin down what I actually know vs. what I still need to learn. I'd like to share a couple things that I've learned so far. Here are a handful of truths that I've been able to pick up on in my short and unimpressive 25 year life span.

1. To graduate college, you have to do crap. And I mean... loads of it. For me, the most challenging part of getting a college education was the motivation and determination factor, rather than the actual book-learning. I've always loved learning. I know a lot of things. But knowing things can only get you so far before you need to start doing. Which brings me to another truth:

2.  (Disclaimer: I'm about to say "ass"...) Experience makes you the master of your trade; mere knowledge of it just makes you a smart-ass. Who would you choose as your heart surgeon: a doctor who has performed thousands of successful procedures, but readily admits he doesn't yet fully understand every intricacy of the human heart? Or a doctor who knows every possible bit of information regarding heart surgery, but has never touched a scalpel? I wouldn't let Dr. Bookworm touch my heart with a 10 foot pole.

3. Truth: It is 10 trillion percent worth it to eat healthy food, even though our society has excelled at making the consumption of crappy food easy, inexpensive, and convenient. Maybe you're reading this and you're 18 and you're thinking, "Ya sure. Whatever. I'm going to eat chicken nuggets for breakfast every day and I'm bullet proof and I'm going to live until I'm 130." Trust me, my little children. You will NOT. Go google diverticulitis and then re-commit to eating your veggies.

4. Some people do ridiculous things, and they'll probably never change. This is a truth that I hate, but it's a truth nonetheless. There are people in this world who do things I will never be able to understand, and they'll probably do puzzling, upsetting, harmful things until the day they die. You can either let their behavior get you down, or you can lead a happy life independent of other people's choices, words, and actions. Once you've accepted this fact, navigating your life becomes pretty simple.

5. The older you get, the faster time passes. I feel like my life has been continually picking up speed for as long as I can remember, and every day I'm shocked at how quickly time has passed. When I'm 80, I'm going to wake up and just die of shock (despite my good health) because I'm going to realize that I'm 80 and it's going to freak me out. I wonder how many people die that way.

6. There is a very real difference between a need and a want. I'm still working on mastering that distinction, but I'm trying really hard. It comes with the territory when you're poor. I'd say, learn that distinction as early as you can and try to exercise restraint when it comes to spending time and energy on things you don't really need.

7. I don't care if your IQ is 175 and you have 10 PhDs... you don't know anything about anything compared to the knowledge and wisdom of God. If you think for one second that you know more than Him, you are an imbecile to the nth degree.

Those 7 things are basically all the wisdom I can muster, but I personally think they're pretty good as far as wisdomy treasures go. 7 wisdomy treasures for you, and none for Gretchen Weiners, BYE!

Intervention

I love carbohydrates. I think I probably have this in common with most other humans and living creatures. What I DON'T have in common with most people, though, is a condition that makes it extremely hard for my body to process carbs in a normative way. I've talked about it here before, so I'm not going to go into much detail about the whys and hows.

ANYHOO.

What I would just like to throw out into the universe today, is a a request for some support when it comes to this whole "food" situation. The kind of support I'm requesting is pretty no-muss no-fuss. It basically comes down to this:

If you see me eating or about to eat ANYTHING that falls into one of these two categories....

Food that contains high concentrations of flour or starch. (Bread, pasta, noodles, pizza, pretzels rice, mashed potatoes, tortillas, chips, everything worth living for, etc.)

or

Food that has any amount of refined sugar. (Cookies, brownies, cake, treats, candy, ice cream, soda, etc.)

Please just do me a solid and take it away from me. Even if I protest. Even if I tell you it's okay for me to eat it. Even if you have to pry it from my cold dead fingers. I would also suggest that you maybe throw it as far away from me as you can get it. Seriously. Chuck it. And then rub it in the dirt and maybe drizzle something disgusting on it so that I don't attempt to enact the 5 second rule.

There is a very rational explanation for this request.

...crickets...

If you want the explanation, read on.

I don't want you guys to think I'm a cray-cray who doesn't eat carbs. I eat them. The problem with the food above lies in the concentration (and not necessarily the mere presence) of carbs. I eat more than enough to keep me healthy and happy. Trust me. My body is healthier right now than I ever have been in my adult life. In order to STAY healthy and happy, I can only eat carbs in low concentrations, spread evenly throughout the day.

When I fall of the wagon and start eating super carby things, bad things happen. It sets off a chain reaction in my metabolism that causes my body to assume that I am starving to death. (True Story) I then legitimately turn into a cranky carb-eating hellish banshee until every carb within a 50 yard radius of my person has been consumed. And then I feel sick for days and I no longer have friends.

I PROMISE I am sick of talking about this and I didn't mean to go off on an explanation tangent. I just wanted to make sure the stakes in this situation are clear. Most of the time I don't have an issue, so a food-stealing-and-throwing event would be rare. I may or may not have, however, had a shameful apple pie binge recently, and that is why I'm giving ya'll a heads up.

Friends don't let friends eat whole apple pies.

I'm too tired to write a blog....

So please read THIS blog instead.

You will not be sorry....

I don't know this girl, but this blog made me rofl multiple times at work...

It makes me want to write one of these posts about my own family. It probably won't be as funny, but the Booth fam has some gems of their own for sure. Stay tuned for that one. For now, you're welcome.

Nicole Booth vs. Jess Day

I recently binged on watching as many episodes of "New Girl" as I could find streaming online. And I basically found them all. And watched them in marathon mode. This got me thinking: my little sister Nicole is the original Jess Day. They are definitely quirky in different ways, but the similarities between the two are just too intense to be coincidental. I'm convinced that the writers for the show follow Nicole around and constantly take notes. This is what their little steno pads must look like on the daily:

"Dark dark hair. Blue eyes. Sometimes glasses."

"Tons of guys constantly swirling around her."

"Shamelessly wears full length matching pajamas despite having an excellent figure to show off. Interesting."

"Random acts of song and dance."

"Strange noises in awkward situations."

"Has dated a toxic asshat or two. Interesting dynamic. May be interesting to revisit that."

"May or may not cry. No warning."

"Loves kids. Treats them as if they are her own. Even when they are annoying? Fascinating."

"Slight drama-geek flavor."

"Loves wearing cute clothing, having cute things, being cute, etc. Basically a cute overload."

"Says very funny and unexpected swears."

"Uses odd voices at any given time discussing any given topic."

"Dabbles in the artistic. Knits sporadically."

"Cannot, for the life of her, hide her emotions. Wide array of facial expressions used liberally."


And now for a visual:

I'm onto you, New Girl.